Mommy Fail

I started the morning out feeling fairly well about things. Gabe had to be at work at 6, I was up at 5:30. The coffee pot was programmed and brewing when I opened my eyes. The boys slept semi-late. (Tate until 6:30; Connor until 7:15). Connor has Vacation Bible School this week at St. Rose so he'll be kept busy all week long, and I get some one and one on one time with Tate!

While driving to VBS Connor said from the backseat "I hope I make friends at VBS. I don't have any friends in Murfreesboro. I wish we didn't move."

As tears ran down my face beneath my sunglasses all I could say was, "I'm sorry honey. I know you miss your friends. I miss my friends too." It just made everything inside me hurt.


I dropped him off feeling certain he would have fun and meet friends and enjoy the day. Connor has always been the quick to adjust kind. His first day of preschool, after having only had a babysitter 6 or 7 times (at age 3) he said, "Mommy, you can go now" as I choked back tears. I knew when I returned today he would be beaming ear to ear like he was is first day of preschool. I knew he'd be crying because it was time to go home.

When he saw me at pickup, however, he had tears, they just weren't tears of not wanting to go home. He was just sad. He walked up and tears just streamed down his cheeks. He said he was sad he didn't get to go on the playground. Mommy instincts are telling me it's more than that. When everyone sang and danced to the new songs they learned, Connor stood in one place. Not smiling. Not moving. Not saying the words. He didn't say the bible verse. He just stood looking so sad. Certainly this isn't just over a playground! He didn't even smile when I asked if he wanted to have a happy meal for lunch!

I'm so sad and full of guilt. How is he THIS sad, and I haven't seen it? He's been doing things that are uncharacteristic of him, but we just assumed he was testing his boundaries. I've never seen a child full of such sadness. His tears haven't been in fits or tantrums, just slow rolling tears down his face. I'm hoping when school starts he'll make friends. (I'm hoping when school starts that I'll make friends). I know that this job and promotion were good things for our family in the long run, but right now I just feel like we've failed our son. He misses his friends. He misses his family. And I miss my happy, carefree boy.