We came home after the appointment and Gabe went to work. Earlier that morning I had allowed myself a lengthy, hard cry while driving to the grocery store. Gabe and I held it together throughout the appointment on Friday but as we left Gabe said, "I could cry right now if I'd let myself". We were all doing fine until bedtime on Saturday night. Tate had to sleep in the helmet for the first time.
To say it didn't go well would be an understatement. After putting him in bed he cried for about 30 minutes. I got him up, fed him, tried to rock him and laid him back down. After another 20 minutes of crying he finally fell asleep. He slept soundly for about 2.5 hours. Then he woke up shortly after 10:30. After a diaper change, feeding and cuddles I laid him in bed, and he
The last few days have been better, but he's still not sleeping well. Thankfully there's no tears, and screaming fits. Just lots of tossing and turning and waking up .
In all of this I've learned so much about people, and it's only been three days, so here's the low down on my thoughts:
*People are different, not any of us are made the same. Why do adults keep staring at my child? How on earth will their children ever behave any differently when they're not wise enough to turn away and stop staring as though our son is a freakshow? STOP STARING. I'm just sayin'.
*I realize that teenagers are the epitome of all things cool, classy, sophisticated and awesome. Knowing this I suppose I shouldn't have been surprised by the behavior of some ultra cool girls at church on Sunday. Except, I was, I was surprised to the point my eyes welled up with tears that flowed down my cheeks during communion. Since our family sits in the second pew, it is not easy to miss us. It was just the little boys with me on Sunday since Gabe didn't get home from work until 5:15a.m (with the time change) and we left the house at 7:55 a.m.. After I had received communion and as we were making our way to our pew, I watched in shock/horror/disbelief as one teen nudged another in line for communion and pointed in our direction. The shock/horror/disbelief morphed quickly in to heartache, sadness and anger as the pointing turned in to full our snickering and then laughing. The one was shaking trying to gather herself before receiving our Lord. As tears fell slowly from my eyes, I prayed for Him to help me through this. Do NOT LAUGH at my son. I am momma bear, hear me roar. Mess with my son, I kick your @$$. I'm just sayin'.
*I know my son is cute. Please don't stare at him and then say, "He's got the cutest eyes." I know he has great eyes. It doesn't take three minutes of staring, a couple of whispers to the person you're with, and getting caught by mama for you to notice he has great eyes. Or a great smile. Or is "just so cute". I know you mean well when you say how cute the helmet is, but it is not a fashion accessory, I had great HATS for accessories. HATS that will be too small for his head when this process is over. Forgive me for sayin' that I don't find the helmet cute.
*Gabe has told several people that I'm "having a hard time with it." The fact of the matter is that we're both having a hard time, but Gabe hasn't really been around to see it and deal with it as much as I have. Today was his first day off and home with us as we went through the day. It was the first time he had to clean the helmet. The first time he had to wrestle around and dodge from getting head butted by the plastic battering ram. Really, one of the first times he's had to put Tate to bed wearing the helmet. Imagine sleeping with a football helmet on your head. Imagine looking at your child wearing a football helmet as you lay your child down and thinking about how uncomfortable it would be. Is your heart breaking? I'm just saying that this is the way I feel at every nap time. At every bed time. Every time he wakes in the middle of the night. Every time I think about this happening multiple times a day for the next 6 months.
*I'm just saying I HATE THIS. I HATE ALL OF IT. I HATE not seeing Tate's hair and curl and stroking it throughout the day. I HATE not being able to cuddle with him and put his cheek next to mine. Or easily wipe his face after a meal. I HATE not being able to kiss the top of his head throughout the day. Or kiss him on the forehead at bedtime. I HATE feeling helpless. I HATE hearing him cry at night. I HATE laying him down in bed and not being able to make the sign of the cross on his forehead and instead having to do it on his nose. I HATE IT. I know it could have been worse. I know that we're blessed that he's as healthy as he is, but I'm just sayin' my heart hurts and is full of sadness. I'm just sayin' my husband is sad and full of worry and heartbreak too.
*We're being prayerful and know that He will get us through. We know we are being prayed for and over and we feel those of you lifting us up. I'm just saying that one day this will be done and our lives will go on, but for this moment in time our load feels heavy, just like our hearts. I wish we had the resilience that the boys do. Connor said to me on Sunday, "Mommy, I just love Tate's helmet, because he is cute and his head will get better." I know his head will get better. I know this is a bump in the road, and we're headed in the right direction, but I'm just sayin' this stinks.
To see all of the pictures from the helmet fitting go here.
4 comments:
I'm so sorry that you and Tate are having to go through this. I have never seen a helmet quite like that one. I know how uncomfortable it would be for an adult to wear it and it just amazes me that children are so resilient. I know that it sucks so bad. And I completely get what you say about being a mama bear. I would have tracked those kids down after church and kicked some teenage butt. If I could give you one piece of advice, from having to go through it with my baby, it would be this. If you see people staring or if people talk to you, ask them if they know what the helmet is for. Most say no. Then you can take the opportunity to educate them. I usually say something like "she has a flat spot on the back of her head and we are just straightening it out. It's kinds like braces for your head". You will get through this and so will Tate. It will bother you much more than him.
Stephanie, I wish we could get together more often. I hate that you guys are going through this. I do have to say Leah has EXCELLENT advice. Educate people when they look! I know you are not a shy person, so speak up and say something when people are looking. Hugs to you my friend!
I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time right now. I think it's completely understandable to be frustrated and upset. I pray that this gets easier for you and for Tate!
I think your son is adorable. I have a guess for why people are staring and/or laughing. They're probably assuming that you're just being hyper-protective, and have no idea that the helmet is being worn for medical reasons.
I bet that if people knew, they wouldn't behave so brutishly. (Well, I hope not, anyway.)
I also think Leah's advice is great- and will help your older son, too: in showing him a way to talk to other curious little kids about it.
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